Feelings....

Feel, caress, be aware of, explore, be convinced, believe, appear, resemble, consider, sense, bleed for, try, test, endure, enjoy, have, finish, surface, fancy, desire, pity, vibes, grope, fumble, finger, paw, strike, air, ambiance, quality, impression, feeling.... (Sorce -The Collins thesaurus)

Every feeling, every emotion, every movement is with great purpose right now. 

I'm walking through liquid, sticky, unsteady Marshmallow with a dense fog hanging above.

I feel sad

I feel overwhelmed

I feel unsure

I feel like the future holds something wonderful

I feel like my chest is so heavy i will fall over

I feel like I've run out of tears, and then they flow

I feel guilt for the moments when I feel happy, glad, when I Laugh/smile or in a moment of optimism

I feel honest with others, but not myself.

I feel lonely, when I'm in a room full of people

I feel proud of my self, often but not always

I feel robbed of an oppourtunity to change

I feel like i had the opportunity to change but i ignored it

I feel healthier than i did 6 months ago

I feel empowered  (some days)

I feel lost
                                                                                              
I feel heart-broken

I feel defeated

I feel guilty for my past

I feel ownership of my mistakes

I feel exhausted

I feel grateful for friendships, near and far

I feel .... and it hurts

Day 2 & the Flu ....

Just when i was on a roll... the flu kicked in to full force, and took me hostage! Last night i got about 2 hours sleep and that was 5-7 am ! 

I suffer from a sleep disorder - Sleep Apnoea. The short definition of OSA is, i stop breathing several times during the night for long periods of time. There's many reasons people suffer from OSA -for me it's hereditary. I'm the last in a line of 4 people on my mums side of the family. We all have narrow esophagus-which closes over when we sleep. To combat this we use CPAP - it's a machine we sleep with that covers our nose, and uses a concentration of the air in the room to force the windpipes to remain open all night. untreated OSA can result in damage to your vital organs over time and eventually death. It's more serious than people realise.

So as you can imagine  when OSA suffers get the flu it's not overly pleasant. if your nose is blocked- you have to sleep unaided, which undoubtedly leads to a very bad seep to none at all.

When this mornings 5am alarm went off, and i longed to drink hot lemon and meditate- my body decided it was time to let me sleep - on went my mask, nose semi unblocked and i drifted off, only to wake at 7am by bec telling me to not go into the office today - Well i had to-no matter how bad i felt, it had to happen. So under protest I got up showered, dressed, and walked out to the lounge room where i thought i was going to pass out ! I grabbed my lady bug pillow to rest on in the car, and got going.
My chauffeur making me feel warm then cool as i needed. i sipped on lempsip and drifted in and out of sleep. At one point i sat in a pool of fever sweat in the car listening to music and just cried - i had suddenly remembered my necklace i NEVER take off ( more on that in a future post) had actually broken in my very animated sleep last night!

"Why is everything going wrong right now?" i cried at bec..."At a time I've decided to change my life, to make changes and be a better me, why am i sick? Why has my necklace broken and why am i going to work ?!?!"  I sat there thinking -was this the world telling me to give up so soon - go back to my lazy unhealthy lifestyle? is trying to be a new person to hard?

Well 5 hours , 1 lemsip max, 2 panadol, 1 berocca and several green teas later, I'm at my mums on the sofa under the softest blanket ever made typing up this blog post. My mind is clear, my attitude corrected, and my belief in myself, and my new changes restored.

I have such a busy week ahead both personally, for the business and for my day job -that i need to stay focused, and healthy. Tonight i hope to get alot of good sleep and wake feeling much better tomorrow.

Tomorow is a new day. I will get up at 5am and have my lemon water, i will meditate, i will eat a good breakfast, and i will set my self up for a good - no GREAT day .  :)

Lady bug helping me feel better in the car on the way to work  :)