A new home, a new leaf & a new life ....

It's been a busy few weeks.
First big wedding of 2013 for my business. Packed and sold my first home &  moved into my new apartment.

But it's done. I did it. I made it through what i was deeming the hardest month this year for me!  Back at work after 4 days off work for the move and my colleagues all think i look so happy :) and i FEEL so happy!

My apartment- all be it still half in boxes- is looking beautiful. It's so big for me that i forget where i am some times!

I get to wake up looking at the sunrise from the comfort of my pillow & doona... and i smile, and im happy and ready for what the works will throw at me!

It wasn't an easy 5 months getting to this point.  it's been hard. really hard. for the most part i've put on a happy face, but pain is deep, and it runs true. It's also not over... i feel that sense of loss frequently, and i will for a long time to come.

On a positive note- over this stressful time , when i've not eaten as great as i could of, i've not gained weight! it means even under pressure.. I'VE GOT THIS! :)

My Healing has only just begun, there is much excitement ahead, things to learn, new people to meet, and many a new leaf to turn. But right now it feels good.

My next adventure (via my 34th birthday) is a trip to Brisbane for the Emazon- Stand your ground 4 day convention. It's going to be the place i learn more about who i am, who I'm going to be and where i've come from to get to this point. I'm excited to come home after those 4 days, fitter, healthier of mind, and with plans for my future spirit.
These 4 days are going to be all about me, and no-one else. It's a TOTALLY selfish experience ! I'll put my self first on all levels... So be warned-  don't expect much from me 18-23rd April.... get your birthday wishes in early people :)

When i return from Brisbane, i expect I'll be a force to be reckoned with, a changed (or changing) woman of mind and spirit! (to add to the ever changing body)

Whats' more in the past 5 months my friendships have grown. Those close to me that have been supportive- you know who you are, i love and adore each and everyone of you.
And to Bec, for our mutual understanding and acceptance of each others changes, needs and growths. I'm so proud of us both! We've come so far- the only way is up Pickle- and I'm excited for us !! xx

So, this is where I'm at.  an exciting place in my life, moving forward and not looking back.

Let the new leaf adventures begin!

:)

Going through the (E)motions....

I made a bold admission on Facebook this week...

A lot of people have been telling me how strong and together I seam. This is really hard for me to admit- and not even the closest to me realise but I'm not coping at all well. I'm very overwhelmed by life right now. I don't know how to ask for help so I don't lean on others. I'm learning on how to ask for help but its an ongoing process. Putting up walls and painting on a smile and concentrating on my health are just ways to attempt at coping. This isn't a call for help- I just wanted to explain how I'm feeling. If i can't be there for you right now it because I'm dealing with just being there for myself xx

It scared the hell out of me to write this.  I wrote it, read it-  re-read -planned to delete it.... but then i stopped and i thought about all the people like me now brave enough to speak up about how they feel. their true feelings. At work if I'm drowning i put my hand up - so why not do it for my life ??

So i posted it.

I then lost all courage to respond to the loveliest of messages that people left.  Letting me know they are there for me. why ? it felt like a weakness. i had exposed my inner raw feelings out there in world. I'd dropped the wall and there was no going back.

There was something good that came of this post. i reflected, i listened, i thought, and i felt.
It's okay to ask for help. It's ok to lean on others. It's ok to put all your trust in others, and NOT expect they will fail.  My expectations are too high - of me, and of others. they always have been.

So what's making me feel so overwhelmed?

• My house just sold and so the tick-tock of settlement looming is freaking me out!
• Pack a house -dealing with separating joint items of a 6 year relationship
• Find a new house (that will let me have a pet)
• find packing boxes
• Scratch together a bond Deposit
• Pay all the bills for the house
• Field calls with the solicitor, and fill out WAY to much paperwork for the sale.
• Deal with paying all the debts for the house on my own, and juggle calls from debt collectors (irony)
• Collate, photograph and post items on Ebay to sell
• Organise a baby shower held at my house (this one is a pleasure but still lots to!) 
• Run My company -Bride meetings,quotes & weddings
• Deal with the stress of my day job, and all the joys that come with being a debt Collector
• Find time to exercise everyday
• Eat well
• De-stress, and not grab the nearest tub of ice cream
• Deal with health issues cause from loosing a lot of weight (not always a Rosy thing!)
• Shop, and pre cook for the week -so i actually have the time to exercise
• Washing, Cleaning, tiding the house...
• Panic that the car is 6 months over due,and falling apart!
• Remember to feed the cat (t be fair she reminds me by screaming at me till it's done!)
• Panic about how overgrown the Garden looks,and the fact i should do something to it!
• fix the vacuum cleaner so i can vacuum the already shitty carpet that embarrass the hell out of me!
• Be a good friend, daughter, sister.....

It all sound pretty straight forward right ?  
It's a hard adjustment running a 3 bed house, and all the finances on your own, when it's always been a shared responsibility - frankly I'm amazed i have clean clothes to wear everyday....!

Now i know all you  mothers of 100 children out there are prolly thinking "shut the hell up!"  but this is hard for me. Ive never lived alone, Ive never had to do everything for me, and so much so that i get into a zombie like state as i wiz around doing my chores.....

I have some pretty amazing things coming up in the next 3 months - I'm hoping i can afford to do them all wholeheartedly.  I'm putting myself out thee.  I'm opening my heart to the world. I'm learning to trust in people, and Lean or rely on them to take some of the burden off.

So all is NOT lost ! I wasn't feeling well yesterday- so from the safety of my sofa, i tried to get alot ticked off my list.....

• Financial and paperwork stuff for the house sale -TICK!
• Started Ebay listings -TICK!
• Went out for dinner items,& found 9 large clean boxes looking for a home! -Packing boxes -TICK!
• Got some much needed medicine for my skin issues -TICK!
• Started packing - TICK1

I started to feel really accomplished :) Then Bec came over in the afternoon and we did some packing and sorting, and while it's emotionally really hard to decide who would like what of our joint lives, it's also cleansing. We spent the afternoon laughing, and crying, and just enjoying time together getting shit done!

So I'm not debt free, and i don't have anywhere to live and my car still scares me, but I'm living, and I'm ticking things off lists, and it feels good. I just need to keep the momentum going!

5 weeks to go till move day .....

one.step.at.a.time