Going through the (E)motions....

I made a bold admission on Facebook this week...

A lot of people have been telling me how strong and together I seam. This is really hard for me to admit- and not even the closest to me realise but I'm not coping at all well. I'm very overwhelmed by life right now. I don't know how to ask for help so I don't lean on others. I'm learning on how to ask for help but its an ongoing process. Putting up walls and painting on a smile and concentrating on my health are just ways to attempt at coping. This isn't a call for help- I just wanted to explain how I'm feeling. If i can't be there for you right now it because I'm dealing with just being there for myself xx

It scared the hell out of me to write this.  I wrote it, read it-  re-read -planned to delete it.... but then i stopped and i thought about all the people like me now brave enough to speak up about how they feel. their true feelings. At work if I'm drowning i put my hand up - so why not do it for my life ??

So i posted it.

I then lost all courage to respond to the loveliest of messages that people left.  Letting me know they are there for me. why ? it felt like a weakness. i had exposed my inner raw feelings out there in world. I'd dropped the wall and there was no going back.

There was something good that came of this post. i reflected, i listened, i thought, and i felt.
It's okay to ask for help. It's ok to lean on others. It's ok to put all your trust in others, and NOT expect they will fail.  My expectations are too high - of me, and of others. they always have been.

So what's making me feel so overwhelmed?

• My house just sold and so the tick-tock of settlement looming is freaking me out!
• Pack a house -dealing with separating joint items of a 6 year relationship
• Find a new house (that will let me have a pet)
• find packing boxes
• Scratch together a bond Deposit
• Pay all the bills for the house
• Field calls with the solicitor, and fill out WAY to much paperwork for the sale.
• Deal with paying all the debts for the house on my own, and juggle calls from debt collectors (irony)
• Collate, photograph and post items on Ebay to sell
• Organise a baby shower held at my house (this one is a pleasure but still lots to!) 
• Run My company -Bride meetings,quotes & weddings
• Deal with the stress of my day job, and all the joys that come with being a debt Collector
• Find time to exercise everyday
• Eat well
• De-stress, and not grab the nearest tub of ice cream
• Deal with health issues cause from loosing a lot of weight (not always a Rosy thing!)
• Shop, and pre cook for the week -so i actually have the time to exercise
• Washing, Cleaning, tiding the house...
• Panic that the car is 6 months over due,and falling apart!
• Remember to feed the cat (t be fair she reminds me by screaming at me till it's done!)
• Panic about how overgrown the Garden looks,and the fact i should do something to it!
• fix the vacuum cleaner so i can vacuum the already shitty carpet that embarrass the hell out of me!
• Be a good friend, daughter, sister.....

It all sound pretty straight forward right ?  
It's a hard adjustment running a 3 bed house, and all the finances on your own, when it's always been a shared responsibility - frankly I'm amazed i have clean clothes to wear everyday....!

Now i know all you  mothers of 100 children out there are prolly thinking "shut the hell up!"  but this is hard for me. Ive never lived alone, Ive never had to do everything for me, and so much so that i get into a zombie like state as i wiz around doing my chores.....

I have some pretty amazing things coming up in the next 3 months - I'm hoping i can afford to do them all wholeheartedly.  I'm putting myself out thee.  I'm opening my heart to the world. I'm learning to trust in people, and Lean or rely on them to take some of the burden off.

So all is NOT lost ! I wasn't feeling well yesterday- so from the safety of my sofa, i tried to get alot ticked off my list.....

• Financial and paperwork stuff for the house sale -TICK!
• Started Ebay listings -TICK!
• Went out for dinner items,& found 9 large clean boxes looking for a home! -Packing boxes -TICK!
• Got some much needed medicine for my skin issues -TICK!
• Started packing - TICK1

I started to feel really accomplished :) Then Bec came over in the afternoon and we did some packing and sorting, and while it's emotionally really hard to decide who would like what of our joint lives, it's also cleansing. We spent the afternoon laughing, and crying, and just enjoying time together getting shit done!

So I'm not debt free, and i don't have anywhere to live and my car still scares me, but I'm living, and I'm ticking things off lists, and it feels good. I just need to keep the momentum going!

5 weeks to go till move day .....

one.step.at.a.time